Why Can’t I Be You? And Why Do I Not Want To Be?

I recently got an e-mail. And the opening line was a compliment of sorts. “You are strange” to be exact. It’s a sort of back handed compliement. I’m happy being myself and I am honest with everyone. But sometimes I really wish I could learn how to play the game.

You know, to be “normal”. I mean I know how, but I feel almost dirty if I do. I mean I can play to the extent that I can goto work, get along with co-workers, and get my job done so I can get paid. But, I only do that so I can get paid. If there was no money envolved I would totally self destruct and say fuck it.

I really think this person was trying to be nice. But, I don’t know, I really just want to shout at them “Hey, thanks for making me feel like complete shit!”. I mean, I would, if I had better coping skills. Instead I’m gonna drink a beer or two, shower, and go to bed depressed.

Recently, I had a partner, not in the realtionship sense. Well, at least not in the common “love” relationship sense. But, I felt we really became friends, I opened up to them and felt really comfortable and trusting of this person. But, now I feel paranoid that maybe I tricked myself. What if they were just like all the others? Fuck, I totally spilled my guts to someone who won’t speak to me outside the context of our little tribe.

Then again maybe I am jumping the gun, then again, who knows? Fuck.

It’s so easy for me to put on airs of being cynical. But, inside every cynic is an optimist dying for the chance at redemption. I mean just once I’d like to hear “you’re a good guy” without it being followed by weird or strange, those words really get to me. And send me spiriling into a slump which I never really recover from.

So, in conclusion.  I’m going to e-mail that first person because, well, I’ve ingested some courage. And as for the “partner” well I feel that one out, but my paranoia might be right… or not.